dirty little secret , [lils]

[lucifer kristoff burton]

lucifer kristoff burton was a complete mess. he was generally just an asshole to everyone so that he could keep people from getting too close to him. with lils, though, there was no avoiding a certain closeness between them. she was his younger sister and the only person in his life that he truly loved. he was protective of her, taking twice the beatings sometimes just so that lily could run and hide in their father's study under the desk. that was the one room in the house that the two of them could be safe. it was the only room with a lock on it, and their father had stopped going into the study when luce had been nine, when he had lost his job because of his alcoholism. he didn't understand how his parents even had enough passion for each other to give birth to not only one, but two children.

it was no surprise that luce was completely messed up internally. when he wasn't drinking, he was generally just the kid that nobody messed with or even talked to other than lily. looking around the common room, luce watched as everyone was off in their own world. people tended to just ignore luce, anyway. it came in handy when he was pulling out his flask in the middle of the common room. with lily, though, he felt like he needed to get away from others. "let's go on an adventure," he whispered to lily with a devious grin. luce had always loved going on adventures through the castle with lily, ever since she was a first year. they were even more fun now that they had alcohol coming along for the trip as well. he stood up and walked out of the common room, looking around dungeon hallway and continuing to walk down the dark passage. "anywhere in particular that you'd like to go?"

[lilith amelia burton]

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to a lot of people at hogwarts, lilith amelia burton was a nutcase. she floated through life, never really noticing the things around her. of course, there was a reason for all of that, but it wasn't something she normally confessed to when she crossed paths with another student. the reactions she usually got when she told stories about her childhood were ones of horror and disgust, and over the years the girl had learned to keep such tales to herself, especially when other students couldn't sympathize or share similar memories. it had been a shock at first, but over time the girl had come to realize that the way she and her brother were treated was beyond normal - it was barbaric - and after such realizations, lily had perfected the art of being a wallflower - always on the sidelines, but present nonetheless. the only times she really peeled herself from her spectator position was to experiment with her friends, or spend time with her brother, lucifer, who was easily her knight in shining armour.

being the way he was, it was hard not to love luce. he was everything to the fragile girl - her protector, her brother, her friend - and with the countless times he'd stepped between her and their father, lily practically owed him her life. however, since she wasn't so eager to give it up yet, she was more than happy to accompany him wherever he went. let's go on an adventure. the words tickled the girl's neck, leaving goosebumps where his breath touched her. with a smile and a small wave to the group she'd been studying with, lily pushed herself up from her chair and followed him into the hall, fingers trailing along the walls as she skipped to keep pace with him. "i want to go swimming," she sang, dancing past him with a delicate twirl of her small frame. "would you go swimming with me, lucey? it's been a while since we last went."

[lucifer kristoff burton]

luce had never thought of himself as a knight in shining armour type. he had always figured that when it came down to it, some girl would end up being his knight, and he hated that thought. that's why he avoided relationships. he didn't want pity, and he didn't want people to pretend that they knew how he felt or what he was thinking. that's why he stuck with lily. she knew every little thing about luce from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. he used to hide in the bathroom and stare at the floor to make sure that their father didn't come in while lily was bathing. he would do anything just to make sure he didn't hear the girl scream. she knew about every scar on luce's body, and he sometimes wondered if she blamed herself for it. the one scar that luce knew lily had seen occur was the circular burn scar that took up basically his whole palm. he'd gotten it rather than getting it across his face, and he was grateful for that.

rolling his eyes slightly, lucifer shrugged. "alright, alright. we can go swimming." he looked down at his feet, clearing his throat slightly. sometimes he wished that he couldn't remember things that happened when he would get drunk, and right then was one of those times. every time he looked at his little sister he thought of the fact that he had, in fact, kissed her. it was so beyond wrong but he just couldn't stop thinking about it. he didn't know whether to regret it or to just pretend that it never happened in the first place. his brain had become an even bigger mess than before, and it was driving him insane. that's exactly why he wanted to just drink and have fun with his sister. his flask was neatly tucked away in his pocket, filled to the brim with gin. it was nasty, but luce didn't care. it took away pain quicker than any other drink, lately.

[lilith amelia burton]

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like a neglected puppy, there were parts of lily that were ugly, parts that couldn't be loved no matter how hard someone tried; she was a broken girl that had seen too many horrible things and couldn't get past them. she was the girl psychiatrists lived for, the type that had hundreds of pages of notes written about them, outlining every little crack that made them crazy with glorious, sick detail. of course, they weren't wrong. not entirely. most nights, lily woke up screaming, hands searching for something to cling to as she shook from fear. it was like no matter where she went, the memories and flashbacks chased her, always two steps behind. yet the only person that could ever come close to loving her was lucifer. when she woke up terrified in the middle of the night, positive their father was leaning over her with a hammer, luce was always the one she grabbed, eyes shut tight, face tucked into the crook of his neck, until the moment passed. he'd always been there for her, and he continued to be, even when she wasn't in any danger.

with a smile, lily paused in front of him, running a finger down the length of his jaw. "just keep swimming, just keep swimming," she sang, grabbing his hand tightly in hers as they walked toward the exit. she could feel the outline of the burn on his palm, and though she tried to ignore the sick feeling in her stomach, it was hard to forget about it completely. they both had scars, but luce would always have more. he was always the one taking the worst of the beating, saving her from being hospitalized, even when it wasn't his job to do so. he could have stepped back and let her take what was being dished out, but he didn't, and for that she would always feel guilty. lifting his palm to her lips, lily pressed a delicate kiss against the burn before dropping their clasped hands back at their sides. "i love you, lucey." she smiled, wild blonde hair falling into her eyes as she said it, and meant it. even when things got tough, or when things happened when luce was drunk, the girl would always love him. right now, though, there was a swirling feeling of confusion in her belly as the events of the night before replayed in her mind as the cool night air met them at the front steps of the school.

[lucifer kristoff burton]

when they were younger, their father had taken a knife to lucifer's bed, leaving the springs sticking out in every which way. luce forgot why his father had done it, and there probably was no real answer as to why, but it had left luce sharing a bed with lily for years before he started at hogwarts. the burton parents kept the bed, and kept it made, so that if anyone came over it looked as if both of their children were perfectly safe and cared for. if only others knew what really went down behind closed doors. he wondered if the neighbors heard the screams, or if they just pretended to ignore them like nothing was really going on in the burton family home in newport. it was never a real home, though. it was a place with too little food and memories of pain, and it was no longer even that for lucifer. his parents had sent him an owl a week ago informing him that he wasn't allowed to return once he finished his final year of hogwarts, which meant never. lily was the only one who knew, and all he wanted was to take her with him.

the fact that lily was quite a bit off was just one of the things that luce loved about her. she had plenty of reasons to be insane, and rather than pretending to be perfectly okay, she was just herself. luce admired that about her. he looked down and couldn't help but actually smile genuinely at the gesture, letting go of her hand to wrap his arm over her shoulder. "i love you too, lilypad." he ruffled her hair a bit, taking in a deep breath of the cool air. "you're nuts for wanting to go swimming, though." he looked down at her with a raised eyebrow, though he wasn't protesting to hopping into the cold water. he didn't care as long as he was away from everyone else in the castle.

[lilith amelia burton]

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to anyone else, sharing a bed with a sibling might have seemed peculiar, revolting even. but to lily, it was as easy as breathing. without luce by her side when she fell asleep, the girl hardly slept at all - she was too afraid of being alone, too afraid of being stuck in a nightmare that she wouldn't be able to wake up from. besides, what others thought about her and her choices meant little to the girl. as long as she was comfortable, that was all that really mattered. what she really couldn't grasp, however, was living without lucifer. he was her rock in more ways than one, and returning home to newport without him for the summer was unfathomable. she'd never thought much about it before now, but ever since luce had told her about the letter, it was all she ever seemed to think about. lily knew she'd be able to make it through on her own, but the idea of never being able to see him again was the most depressing thought she'd ever had. yet she couldn't just skip out on her parents, not while she was still underage. they'd drag her right back to the confines of the burton house walls if she even considered leaving the property.

shaking the possibility from her head, lily wound her arm around luce's waist, moaning in protest as he ruffled her already wild hair. "you said you wanted to go on an adventure," she countered, spinning away from him as they approached the black lake. "i'd say swimming at night is a pretty big adventure." running forward, the girl kicked off her worn converse sneakers and stepped delicately into the water. "oh, it's not so bad." she grinned, hands reaching for the hem of her shirt. in one fluid motion, she slipped the loose garment over her head and tossed it onto the grass, following suit with the baggy shorts she'd stolen from luce four years previous. "don't chicken out, lucey!" she giggled, twirling her arms over her head as she dove under the water's black surface, only coming up for air when her lungs were aching for oxygen. "the water's warm compared to the air..." she called again, water dripping from her black undergarments as she wound her arms around herself, shivering only slightly.

[lucifer kristoff burton]

one of the other slytherin guys in luce's year had once told him that you could learn more about someone when they slept when they were awake, and he hadn't believed him until he really watched lily sleep. she seemed so at peace most of the time as long as he had her pulled close. more than a few times he had snuck her into the boys' dormitories for the night and held her close, just because he feared that she would sleep for days stuck in one of her terrors. the prefects had stopped caring after the first couple of times. it helped that the slytherin prefects were never extremely strict to begin with. everyone knew that luce would punch anyone who kept him from protecting his little sister, anyway. all he had to do was shoot them a deathly glare and most people backed down. it had taken a few bribes, but the prefects now turned their heads at anything wrong that luce seemed to do, such as leaving the common room after curfew with lily. if only his parents would see things could be as easy as that. he didn't trust leaving lily there over the next two summers.

that's exactly why lucifer had been writing back and forth with his parents explaining how much easier it would be on them if they just let lils move in with him into a flat of sorts. all he knew was that he was going to find a place for the two of them that was somewhere their parents would never think of looking. it had crossed his mind quite a few times to get a place in the wizarding world, and just work at one of the pubs or something in hogmeade just so he could be close to lily while she finished school. he hadn't told lily that, mostly because he'd hate to get her hope up just to have their controling parents rip it away. luce couldn't help but stare as lily stripped down to her undergarments. it sent an odd shiver down his spine, which he quickly shook off. he pulled off his own shirt, shoes, socks, and pants and sighed. he stepped into the water and got slight goosebumps all over his skin. quickly, he went underwater and grabbed lily's feet for a moment before resurfacing. he shook his head, water splashing from his shaggy hair in every direction. he splashed some water at lily, really smiling for the first time in what felt like days. he looked up at the nearly full moon. "s'pretty."

[lilith amelia burton]

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if there was one thing lily wanted most, it was to move in with lucifer. she knew it was only a pipe dream, but she still hoped that somewhere down the line it would just be the two of them, like it should have been all these years. they made a good pair, and with all their issues, they needed each other. or at least, lily needed luce. she needed someone she could rely on, someone that understood why she was the way she was. the only person she could ever think to fill that spot was her brother, and she wasn't about to hold open auditions for someone to fill the spot he already had. luce was the only person she trusted, the only person that had ever been a constant light in the dark tunnel that was her life, even when he struggled himself. her life wasn't all darkness, however. despite the nightmares she had, not all her dreams were bad. some nights she dreamt of leaving the burton house behind, horrible memories and all. she dreamt that someday she would forget the things that had been done to her, and to lucifer, and that one day she'd be able to look back on her life and think, 'i was happy'. realistically, those dreams would probably never come true, but the girl still had a little energy left to have hope, no matter how little that hope was.

biting her lip, she watched curiously as luce followed suit, revealing the scars that lined his torso and back. she'd seen him countless times before without a shirt, but for some reason, this time was different. lost in her own little world, the girl barely noticed that he'd gotten into the water until she felt something at her foot. jumping, she squealed and covered her face with her hands as she was splashed. "hey!" she laughed, cupping water in her hands before splashing him in return. "that's not very fair," she mumbled, edging back beside him as he stared up at the sky. s'pretty. nodding in agreement, lily lifted a hand to the air above and tried to pinch the moon between her fore-finger and thumb, letting out a defeated sigh when she remembered how far it really was from the pair of them. "sometimes i think i'd like to live on the moon," she blurted, letting her hands fall into the water, "and i'd befriend all the stars and have lovely tea parties with astronauts every morning."

[lucifer kristoff burton]

luce wished that there was somewhere he and lily could go and have it just be the two of them with no worries of work or school or parents. sometimes he dreamed that they were alone in the world, happy, and had an unlimited amount of food. those were the dreams that he found to be the shortest because when they ended reality clicked back. those dreamed tended to only come when he actually got sleep, which was when lily was with him. he had gotten into the habit of staying up all night when he was still just a little boy. he would lay with his arms around lily, watching the door to make sure that his parents never came in in the middle of the night and harmed his perfect little angel. that's exactly how he saw lily. she was an angel sent from wherever it was that angels came from, he really wasn't sure what he believed in spiritually other than the fact that lilith amelia burton was an angel sent to make his life better. what he just wished he knew was why she had to be sent as a sister, rather than a friend. maybe because then she knew what he was dealing with and had dealt with. maybe because luce deserved someone that truly was as messed up as he.

"it's plenty fair." he tried to sound stern, but what came out was a relaxed tone, a somewhat happy one. the only time that luce could ever admit to being happy was times like this where it was just him and lily away from the world. he smiled softly at her attempts to squish the moon. he sort of wished that he could shrink it and bring it to earth just for her to keep in her pocket as a reminder of him. licking at his lips, luce stepped to stand behind lily and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, placing his chin on the top of her head and staring up at the sky. "that'd be a wonderful life." luce swallowed hard, his mouth suddenly feeling dry. "do you ever wonder why everything is how it is? i just.. i wish i could take it all back. everything that they did to us.. to you.." luce rested his forehead against lily's head, frustrated with his thoughts. "it's like you're the only good thing in a world of bloody horrid things and people."

[lilith amelia burton]

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lily believed in a lot of things, but religion wasn't one of them. she preferred losing herself in fairy tales and books of unknown creatures, things that were so ridiculous she wished they were true. when it came down to religion, though, lily was reluctant. as a child, she'd spent nights hiding under her bed, praying that her parents would be distracted enough to leave her and lucifer alone. yet not matter how hard, or how long she prayed, they always found their way to her room, dragging luce by his hair to receive whatever punishment they thought he deserved. since then, the girl had a hard time believing any greater power was looking out for her; if whoever it was up there really cared, she was sure they would have put a stop to what was happening, but they didn't. the only hero in her life was lucifer, and even he couldn't put a stop to everything, he tried as best he could, which was exactly why he was her knight in shining armour - he couldn't win every battle, but he tried his best, just like the heroes she loved to read about.

"pft, it's only fair 'cause you're older and you say so." she answered, leaning against him as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders. "wouldn't it be lovely?" she sang, squirming in his arms as she felt his breath against the back of her neck. do you ever wonder why everything is how it is? i just.. i wish i could take it all back. everything that they did to us.. to you.. taking a shaky breath herself, lily paused before she answered. there were a lot of things she wished she could take back, or change. like the fact that they were siblings instead of friends, that their parents were some of the most horrible people on the planet, that she kept luce up night after night with her night terrors, and that she'd never stepped between him and their father. the list was endless, and it put a damper on her thoughts every time it crossed her mind. ducking down, lily turned so she was facing him, arms snaking around his waist as she peered up at him. "i'm not the only good thing," she whispered, offering the boy a sad smile. "to me, you're like sunshine on a rainy day."

[lucifer kristoff burton]

luce wondered if his feelings for lily had started to chance because of the fact that she's his sister. just to add another messed up thing into luce's life to make him weirder. it usually took alcohol, and a lot of it, to get him to open up, but when he was alone with lily it was like a weird sort of drug that took over his entire body and made him spill whatever was on his mind. he had never been able to keep things from his sister if there was nobody else around. when they were little, he used to whisper stories to her in bed to try and block out the sounds of their parents thumping and fumbling around in the other rooms of the house before they passed out. there was one story in particular that luce had told, and it had been about the two of them. he of course changed it to be about a lovely princess and a servant boy in the castle, and how they could relate in their hardships, but then they ran away together and lived happily ever after. he had left out the fact that the princess and servant boy were in fact brother and sister, because he knew it was wrong. but even as a little ten year old, luce knew that lily was always going to be his princess, his angel. she was always going to be his most of all. he couldn't imagine sharing her with anyone.

luce really didn't have friends. he had hookups for his booze, and he had acquaintances. even most of his acquaintances had hard feelings towards him. that was because nobody knew why he was the way he was. why he hid behind harsh responses and glares that could send chills down anyone's spine. lily was the only one who understood, and she was the only person luce wanted to understand him. he didn't see the point in having to tell someone all about himself when he had someone who knew everything. he sometimes wished she didn't, though. she could always tell when he was hurting just by looking at his eyes, and it gave him hardly any sense of privacy. that was how they were, though. they shared everything. he looked down at lily as she squirmed to face him, and tucked some of her wild blonde hair behind her ears, placing both of his hands on her cheeks and looking longingly into her eyes. "but you are, lilypad. you're the best thing to ever happen to me." he smiled weakly, pain overtaking his eyes as he whispered, almost inaudible, "it's just not fair." people always said that life wasn't fair, and he was starting to see that more and more. it wasn't just the abuse that was unfair, but this.. lily.. it wasn't fair.

[lilith amelia burton]

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ever since she was little, lily had always admired her older brother. the way he moved, the way he talked, the way he looked. he was perfect in her eyes - everything she wasn't. where he was tall and built, she was lanky and awkward. opposites in their mannerisms, but similar all the same. through the years her fascination had turned to something more, but she'd never really been able to place the feeling that bubbled up whenever he walked into the room. it was like the world stopped and stood still, all eyes watching him as he dominated the room with an effortless grace. yet he wasn't anyone else's, luce was hers, he always had been. she knew it whatever it was wasn't right, but it was almost normal for lily. she'd never known anything else, and like the girls in her fairy tales, lils was blind to anyone else's advances. as long as she was spending time with lucifer, caring for him when he needed it, she didn't need another soul. she loved him more than anyone, but for the moment she convinced herself it was just as family.

of course, the girl had other friends, but none that she would die for in a heartbeat. they were decorations, mostly, to help her get through the day without having teachers and nurses question her sanity, and the dynamic was understood from both sides. besides studying and getting high together, lily didn't do much else with them. they had nothing in common, and they couldn't begin to understand why she was the way she was. any other peson may have had their feelings hurt by it, but lily really didn't mind. she had everything she needed, and he was standing right in front of her. but you are, lilypad. you're the best thing to ever happen to me. tightening her grip on his waist, lily couldn't hold back the smile the spread across her face. it really wasn't fair, but most things weren't. sometimes, you just had to screw it all and do what you wanted anyway. pulling him into a hug, lily rested her forehead against his chest and took a deep breath, hands slipping down to his hips. "we're always going to have each other," she mumbled.

[lucifer kristoff burton]

not many people questioned luce's sanity. in the eyes of professors and other students, he was one of the slytherin boys who was destined for greatness. they figured he was dangerous, because he hardly ever talked. he knew things about people that they hoped nobody would ever know, just because he usually just sat by himself and listened to the things going on around him in order to keep his thoughts from taking over when he didn't have alcohol present. when he was with lily, his need for the drug was a situational thing. sometimes he just felt so comfortable, like he was drunk off of life. other times he just wished he could drink to make his feelings disappear into nothing. unfortunately, that wasn't what happened when he was drunk. instead, he poured all of his feelings or ended up asking to cuddle or kiss whoever was closest. that's why luce tended to hide into the room of requirements, which always seemed to look like their father's study when he entered. he would just hide there and drink until he could hardly walk back to the dormitory and fall asleep in his bed long enough to miss his first class.

the feeling of lily's hands on his hips had luce's entire body covered in goosebumps, a shiver running up and down his spine. it shouldn't have sent that kind of reaction rushing through his body (or what ran through his mind, especially), he knew that, but it did. it was too late to take it back, and he really couldn't control just what touch sent what feeling rushing through him. luce stepped out of lil's hug, confusion written all over his face. he quickly ducked under the water and stayed there until his lungs felt like they were going to burst. when he surfaced, luce began to pace, running his hands through his hair and leaving them placed on his head as he walked back and forth, back and forth. his head was spinning, but it wasn't in his usual drunken state. it was confused and terrified at it's own thoughts. he wanted to just shut it off and do just what he wanted to do but he couldn't manage to do that. he just felt so.. wrong. luce scratched at the back of his neck, one arm falling into the water. "no, no, no.. shut up, shut up.. it's not right.. no.." he was mumbling to himself, his voice barely even audible enough to be considered a whisper. he just wanted to duck under the water again but he couldn't get himself too. he was breathing heavily, and the one thing he wanted in that moment was the worlds largest bottle of rum.

[lilith amelia burton]

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one of the major differences between the burton siblings was how there were affected by substances - where luce became affectionate, lily liked her space. when lily drank, or did the wide range of drugs she liked, there wasn't much of a difference to her personality. if anything, she was more distant, but it never stopped her from slipping into bed with luce at the end of the night. taking a pill was one of the ways she kept her nightmares at bay, but it was also one of her downfalls. sometimes, they kept her trapped in her own mind, flashbacks flooding her thoughts like a cloud of smoke surrounds a detonated nuclear bomb. despite the inconsistency, however, she wasn't about to quit her habits. most times out of ten, they helped her. the only time things went south was when she overdosed and canceled out the damage with a half-assed spell before everything went black. now that she was more aware of those moments, she was slowly learning to be more careful, but sometimes she just didn't care. sometimes, her need for something extra outweighed the fear of a flashback. one thing she had always been incredibly careful of, though, was that she never overdosed in front of lucifer. she didn't want him to see her at her absolute worst, knowing her couldn't do a single thing to shake her out of it.

arms dropping down to her sides, lily watched as lucifer ducked down under the water. holding her own breath, the girl slowly sank into the cold until it was up to her shoulders, hugging her body like a frozen blanket. any bit of warmth she'd had moments ago was slowly leaving, only a shadow of a smile on her blue lips. as she waited for him to resurface, lily wrapped her arms around her legs, nails digging into her wrists to keep her from reaching for lucifer when he broke the surface. no, no, no.. shut up, shut up.. it's not right.. no.. more than anything, she wanted to walk over to him and shower him in kisses like she used to when they were young, but she kept back, watching him in silence, body aching. "l-luce..." she finally whispered, unfolding her body and straightening herself out. "please don't be mad. i don't want you to be angry." her hands clasped together in worry, lily bit her lip. "i'm sorry, lucey. i'm sorry."

[lucifer kristoff burton]

luce's eyes were everywhere but nowhere at the same time. the skitted back and forth across the water, but never looked at lily. he couldn't get the courage to ask for help when he needed it in times like this. his panic attacks were nothing new, but he never had been able to say "i need you right now. please just tell me everything is going to be okay." he was too stuck in his own thoughts, which raced back and forth, back and forth. his entire body was shaking, freezing from the water yet overheating from his mind. he didn't know what to do, and that was always what scared him the most. lily looked up to luce, so he was supposed to always have the answers. right then, though, he had none. he just wanted to pull his own hair out and float off into the black lake, let the water engulf him. but he couldn't do that because that would mean leaving lily. though he couldn't look at her, he could see her panicking in his peripheral view, and it was driving him even more mad. she didn't know what was going on in his head, and he couldn't even begin to explain it if he tried. it wasn't normal for a brother to have these sort of feelings toward his younger sister. he should just protect her and want her to have the best any guy could offer, and not want to be that guy to give her the best for the rest of their lives. he shouldn't want to just grab her and pull her into a tight hug and let his lips meet hers, because that was wrong. that was beyond wrong, it was insane. yet the thought of it raced back and forth in his mind, reappearing between every thought. he just kept picturing the night before over and over until he started to sway.

knees buckling, luce went underwater again, but it shocked him out of the panic enough to make him stop pacing. he tried to take deep breaths, but it hurt. "we need to get out of the water." his voice was hollow of all emotions, and he blinked a few times before looking over at lily, whose lips were starting to turn blue. he went over and picked her up protectively, eyes blank as he carried her to the shore. he sat down on a log, but didn't (or more so, couldn't) let go of her. he stared at the ground, fear overtaking all other emotions. it wrote itself all over his face, just how scared he was. not for himself, but for what people would say about lily if he did what he wanted to do and word got out. "it's not.. it's not right. but the thoughts just don't go away. they keep pushing and pushing no matter what i do and it's just not fair." his words were rushed, and he was rocking a bit, no matter how hard he tried to hold still. "i just. i don't know what to do, what to say.. what to think. it's all so much."